Jan 26, 2009

I just grew unsatisfied faster than I had thought.

Please express opinions in the comments if you feel that my opinion is incorrect, or flawed. I want to know if my thoughts are flawed. Just make sure not to do it as an anonymous reader, cause then your opinion will be deemed invalid due to your inability to claim your opinion.

I got a job offer the other day. There hasn't been any progress/response in regards to if the possibility is to become reality or not, but what has become apparent is that even though I have only been in Nashville for approximately half a year, I am ready to move again.

Maybe it's my inability to commit, or conversely viewed, my disdain for normality, routine, and complacency. I actually don't think I have a fear of commitment more than just a distaste for committing to things or persons that aren't willing to give back as much as I can and am willing to give.

I know I change my mind on occasion and indecision is a despicable character trait. Even less than a couple weeks ago, I sent out a newsletter expressing the notion that I wanted to pursue the career of a gallery artist. Certainly that is still true, but then it's odd, when man is offered another option, maybe its something that opens their vision or at least helps them paint another path to success, they began to waft on their intentions that may be riddled with a cloudy future.

So I'm hoping that the position is written in the books for me, because although it might be naive, and certainly working for someone is against my belief system since a greater level of financial independence is much more possible when one is in business for oneself, I feel like the potential of attaining greater heights of happiness, more importantly progress might be better for the next couple years if I take this route.

Frankly, I have already grown unhappy here. Ridiculously so and quickly in fact. I can feel my environment causing me to become irritable and distracted. I haven't done much except be uneasy and unproductive for the last week or month. I am content internally with myself for the most part, but ever since I arrived, I have been externally annoyed.

It was the same story at the ranch. Circumstances seemed to slowly crowd their way into my plan that wasn't my initial intentions of what I wanted to accomplish. At the ranch, I was to work a summer and then the winter I would be freed to start my own business. It was a perfect arrangement in the winter, until the small responsibilities of the ranch started to impede on my goals, and I had to leave to escape responsibilities that were greater than what I felt was worth my while.

Here, I thought I would only be responsible for myself and I would not have to worry about anything else, but then circumstances started to seem to be crowding in on me so that I am responsible for more than just myself, and it has made me greatly irritable. It's very slight, but still... Responsibilities that ought not be mine have been placed on my shoulders by the irresponsibility of others, and even to view the irresponsibility of others makes me irritable. I refuse to be the enabler of irresponsibility.

Irresponsibility of others:

I hate the neighbor's dog. They have two identical dogs. One inside that is well groomed and healthy. The other one I hate which they leave outside, is sick and mangy. It had a whooping cough that kept me from sleeping for about a month. Although the feeling is misplaced, I have grown to hate the dog. I wish it were dead, not just for itself to be put out of it's lonely existence and lack of health and happiness, but for me, so I wouldn't have to stare at an example of how humans can become so disconnected from their affect on other lives. The neighbors are grossly negligent. It makes me severely angry and upset that they decided to take on the responsibility of a pet, then to have neglected the simple responsibility of caring for the life they claimed makes me wish they would suffer the same indignity that the mangy dog in the backyard suffers. I hate people. I hate the dog because it represents the ugliness of the owners.

I hate the other neighbor's dog. It chirps all day while they neglect it. Ever since they got it, it just sits outside barking on a lease. Runty little P.O.S.

I hate the house I live in. It's old and inefficient. There's a myriad of problems that can't be fixed without thousands of dollars. The landlord can tout how he charges significantly less than the neighbor, but for a piece of shit house with a failing foundation to tout a lesser rent, which is probably just bullshit, is worth nothing.

The yard of the house in which I live often becomes littered with trash as the neighborhood is run down and near the ghetto, and most persons of the community are content with less than mediocrity and are apathetic to the aesthetic state of their neighborhood. It is also cluttered with the belongings of the former tenant.

It would be uncouth for me to speak of the ills I have towards my ex and current roommate, but ills do exist. There exists a great extensive list of shirking of responsibilities that make me ill about them. If not for them, I would probably not have reached the level of irritation to desire a change.

Everything around me seems to scream of mediocrity and especially apathy. It's almost as if everything around me is content to have the world around them be Shit, because they are too lazy and content with lesser than the norm to want to make a change. And I can't stand to be around it anymore because I don't want to be infected.

I understand, I too know that feeling. It's so much easier to do nothing, to give up, and accept the status quo.

But I don't want to live in that.

Maybe I lack patience, or the leadership, or have too harsh a judgement, but I've come to believe, people who want to be lazy and apathetic about their lives of mediocrity will not change. They have already accepted to live the status quo, and every day that they live they spur the probability that the likelihood of change will not occur. If one has become sedentary in their ways for an extended period of time, regardless what efforts they may seem to put out, it will most likely not cause a significant change.

I do not wish to be that person.

Regardless of if I get this position in California or not, I am moving out of my current situation somehow, some way. I am going to ante up.

I feel like if I stayed the differences in values of the people and environment around me would only spur an unhealthy mental state of irritation without resolve.

Besides where I am right now was only planned to be a temporary state, I just grew unsatisfied faster than I had thought.

7 comments:

Ben said...

That really seems like it sucks, man. But I totally understand how your feeling with questioning your ability to commit and be content when you're surrounded by shit. I deal with the same thing everyday. Good luck getting that position.

ghost4hire said...

Jimiyo, I'm glad to hear that you are going to take some action and move out of your current situation regardless of the pending job offer.

Your current situation doesn't seem like a healthy environment for anyone whether they have commitment issues or not. I don't personally believe you have an inability to commit as being as creative as you are, you simply require constant stimulus from your environment and positive energy from your surroundings to do what you do.

And whatever indecision you have/had about working for someone else is quite understandable. Its hard to imagine how much time you will have to pursue your own interests outside of the 9 to 5 until you are there. Maybe the job will drain you... maybe it will energize you. So hesitation is quite normal. My only advice is to gauge your level of happiness and leave the job the moment you feel it encroaching on your overall goals.

In any event, good luck.

Shana said...

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."
-- Marcel Proust

If you think a change in your environment might shake you out of a funk, then do it with passion. And do it soon. I would only advise that the minutia of daily life is everywhere, there will be things always outside of our control that irritate us to the point of distraction. Mediocrity and apathy are everywhere, you only have control over yourself in how you react to it.

You said you have a "disdain for normality, routine and complacency" and these are some of the reasons you decided to freelance. What advantages about working for someone else will make this a better choice? (Just playing devil's advocate here.)

You know I could not wait to leave Nashville when the opportunity presented itself, and I was thrilled beyond belief when I could home back as soon as I did. It took being in a different environment for me to appreciate what I had here. Nothing had changed except for me.

eyeslikesugar said...

Good luck on deciding what it is that is best for you. I would move to CA in a heartbeat. Depending on salary, location, etc. BUT, I wouldn't want to encourage you to move somewhere where you are even more unhappy. Hopefully, there will be an in-person interview, and then you can see if this is where you belong. :)

ameeeee said...

Hey Jim to the yo..

What is your definition of happiness? Perhaps your expectations of it need to change. I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably always going to err on the side of melancholy. Maybe you need to accept yourself for who you are, and roll with it.

Perhaps you are too judgemental - you're judging them by the measure you use for yourself. Which is pretty fricking high. I myself focus on my hatred of other people and things sometimes to avoid the things I would want to change about myself.

Maybe you'd be better off living by yourself - my sister has hardly been here the past month and I have found myself instantly less irritable and increasingly happy. It's only my fault if I didn't do the washing up or if I didn't vacuum. It does get lonely, but it's a lot better to feel lonely by oneself than to feel it in the company of others.

You can't change how other people behave, only your reaction. Chances are even if you move, there will be new people to piss you off. Although I'm sure they are infinitely irritating (believe me, I understand)- they're not at all affected by how they make you feel, only you are.

Environment plays a big part in happiness, and if getting a regular job affords you to live somewhere that you want to come back to, and feel pride in - then that's worth everything man - it's worth more than money.

Also, you have a shirtload of time on your hands to think - and maybe focusing on something else other than yourself will do you some good. I know first hand the anxiety and distress caused by thinking too much.

Apologies for my lack of articulation at this hour - but wanted to answer before I got bogged down with work.

John aka Endgame Clothing said...

Hey Jimiyo...It looks like we have 2 issues here:

1. Commitment.
I don’t really think you have a problem with commitment…your art alone demonstrates you ability to commit. Maybe only a problem with thinking before you act. As a result, you do all of your thinking after you have acted. Then you realize you made a bad decision and then you rush to the next act. Much like the dude who breaks up with one chick just to move in with another after knowing her for only 2 weeks.

If you have made a mistake or bad decision, then the trick is to not make that same type of mistake ever again. This is how we improve in art, chess and life. Life gives us the same challenges over and over until we solve them. That is why we see the same people make the same mistakes their entire lives.

So in your case, is the job offer in California really something that a creative, aggressively independent person like yourself going to be able to hang with? If so, go for it. If not, do not pursue it if you are just doing it to get away from your current unhappiness.

2. Your Irritation with Your Surroundings.
I would suggest that you don’t let other people’s actions affect you so much and so deeply. People who are so easily bothered will never be happy. As an artist (or chess player) we focus on the smallest details…we obsess over it…we see details as the difference between good and bad. But we shouldn’t live the rest of our lives with this kind of scrutiny. The rest of the world is a canvas that you cannot control. If we focus on the imperfect, then that is all we will see.

Now that being said, I would have to ask why would you be living near the ghetto? You are an educated, thoughtful, 30+ year old kickass artist. I know that you have enough control to surround yourself with beauty in a less hostile environment. Don’t waste your time on this planet living in a place you do not like.

Cheers,

John.

jimiyo said...

ghost4hire: Thanks for the props ghost. I agree with you, as far as happiness. It's too short of life to not pursue happiness...

Shana: we talked so you know my answers :D It was so good to see you and Josh. Keep me updated on Josh.

eyeslikesugar: :D thanks. yeah, maybe im being naive, but i feel like i should be out there. theres been many things that has happened, that made me come to this conclusion.

1. i was doing something that reminded me of being out west, utah speicifically, and i got emotional, had a pang in my heart, like it wanted to be back out there.

2. threadless 20K contest. i was thinking, man, if I won 10K, i would use that money to move back out there

3. then this job offer pops up a couple weeks later

so its like... my heart wanted something, and the door of possibility was opened.

ameeeee:

What is your definition of happiness?

you just know it. just like loving/liking someone. im happy right now, just not happy with where i live, who i live with, etc. everything else is in line... i know i am unhappy here cause usually i start boozing it up and entertaining other vices.

i am judgmental, but its also a strength. if i wasnt so harsh, i would not be where and who i am today.

endgame:

i often feared that i think too much. its my nature to be analytical.

regardless of if the job is good for me or not, (although i have confidence that it will be very good for me), i feel like i need to take a chance.

people hardly ever take a chance. i havent been scared in a while, and although being scared isnt a fun thing to be, it just means that one is about to be challenged and grow. i like that. i want to take the chance of losing. here, there is less chance of losing.

as far as being easily irritated: im pretty patient and giving. there's a point where you have to say, im not going to enable irresponsible behavior by lending money that doesnt get paid back in full, or allowing them to continuously lie over and over to you.

i feel fully valid in no longer having patience with my ex roommate and roommate. if i were a business, they would have racked up tremendous late fees and penalties, but since under the false guise of friendship, they seem to take advantage of me that i wont do anything.

unfortunately, because they have decided to neglect even basic responsibilities, they have dissolved any sense of friendship we ever had.

both have been highly unaccountable and repeatedly misleading to the point where they could be deemed compulsive liars.