Mar 17, 2008

Imogen Update & The City & On Feelings

I'm not looking forward to coming back to the city... right now. Feelings are fleeting and change, so maybe when I get back, my distaste of what I think it will be like again might turn out incorrect.

It's not that I want to stay here, as I know with almost 100% certainty that I would get irritated by the customers and the possible ranch work that I would be obligated to do. Entertaining as the travelers are, I have already experienced hanging out with them, and I'm not young and party like they do.

I thought about maybe getting a place out here, so I can still wake up to the view of the Great Escalante Staircase, but then I do miss the social life.

Come Friday, nothing changes. It's just another day. Also, being a single man, there's hardly anyone out here that I would be mildly attracted to. Not that I am interested in a gf, just saying. Im no eunuch.

I guess I'll figure it out.

If I dont come back, Ill miss the wind.


Below might be incoherent.

On Feelings.

I was taking a shower today, and I had a memory. An unpleasant memory when someone in anger said a horrible thing to me.

I didn't hold resentment, but I thought regardless of the relationship having been fixed or is in a neutral state, and even though the hurtful comment was only a small slip in an otherwise very positive relationship, memories still hold that instance.

This wasnt thinking in a self pitying manner. Moreover, it was the thought that

regardless of the fact that the comment was made in anger, as soon as it slipped through the mouth, it was true.

All feelings regardless of how short their existence, is valid and true. In my opinion.

So to that person, I had done something so incredibly preposterous to cause that feeling to come true.

I related this theory to when I was a younger man, a child really. I remember that I had been dumped, and for a while, I sulked about how temporary everything was. and how I thought to myself that those pleasantries, those 'I love yous' were all lies.

In hindsight, no. They were not. At the time, as soon as the words slipped through her lips, it was true at that time.

Even to those I used to say those words, although I may not feel that way now, it was true, so in essence, is still true.

Although if you are to take in account that all feelings are valid, you will have to accept both pleasant and negative feelings of having been true.

But I think its a better outlook. To accept things as they are, and to not feel so silly about having had such feelings.

I recall even just months ago, I was wholly ashamed that I had felt one way about one topic or another. I mean seriously ashamed. Disgusted with self. Mainly as I thought that feeling such a way made me weak when only, it was just because I was human.

Did any of that makes sense? It does in my brain. I suppose that's all that counts.

1 comment:

kat said...

makes perfect sense to me