brainfart august 2009

I slipped, cracked my head, and my dreams escaped into reality.

The spector of fear and insecurity vaporized like mist in the sun.

I stumbled weak and weary like a feeble old man up the mountain, only to find when I reached the summit that my shadow stood 50 feet tall, cast on the mountain behind me as I basked in the setting orange sun.

Reborn again like a child with renewed confidence, with vigor I aspired to reach the next summit.

Nothing is impossible.

..........

disclaimer: The following is very emo. It only comes out on occasion. It was a real feeling so, I suppose there might be some validity in it, or at least there are some issues I need to work out and perceptions I need to dispel...

If I ever come back to religion, get married, and have kids, it means I finally forgave myself and stopped thinking I (and everyone else in a way) was a burden to my parents and others, and that I was worth having existed.

I was somewhat tipsy when I had this revelation so it must be true.

I hope I believe this one day, cause it's tough believing nothing matters, especially myself.

But that lacking makes me put forth extraordindary efforts, so... as a source of utility, if my inseurity causes efforts that actuate some seemingly real meaning or worth, at least I found a way to circumvent, at least good enough to fool myself, my core issues, the burdens I carry.

...........

Haven't thought through it, so this is a unsubstantiated theory but

Often times when you raise someone up, give them power, teach them, they will turn on you. Not all, but over half will become proud as they learned from your mistakes, having taken a shortcut through your wisdom, and will mistakenly predict their ability to abscond beyond your level.

Easy for grasshopper to become an equal master, but to go beyond, not so much.

But Master having learned through mistakes has a deeper knowledge of how to learn, how to stick and move, grasshopper, not so much.

Good Luck grasshopper.

............

That flamboyant seemingly gay Target clerk, the one with the Gidget hair, thats like a helmet from all the hairspray, and brittle from the burgundy hair dye, might be a little offputting, but I have to say, he's the most fun and interesting clerk in comparison to the dull blank faces that could care less.

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Sourkrawt, milk, beer, coffee: All things I really used to enjoy, but as I have gotten older, make me poop not nice.

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She said, "Still hangin on to that huh?"

I spent 7 months out there, those are the only words that I remember of all the words that she spoke to me, that and her quirky smile. The words were probably the best words uttered in passing that seemed to say alot about my loser tendencies. I've since reformed. I don't hang on to much anymore, unless it serves to entertain me.

..............

The Japanese have a saying, "Gambate," which essentially means, try your hardest, do your best.

Although I've been far removed from my Japanese heritage since the age of 5 when my family moved to America, I think it's safe to say that the phrase is as ubiquitously used as something like "drive safe" or some other form as salutations provided it's used in the right context, whether it be going to school, going to work, etc.

People who are satisfied with the status quo baffle me.

It is through selfishness and fear that most people disenfranchise themselves out of an opportunity.

In most all things if you give it your all, you will get back more than if you just putz along and do Just what's necessary.

...........

Once past the tipping point, nothing exists to dispel regret if the tipping is the wrong way. Typically there is ample evidence along the way that one is about to reach the pinnacle of a decided fate. If only they had stopped before the summit. If only they had listened to the obvious warnings.

It is by mere seconds, the details, in which fate is sealed. A minute early, a minute late, could mean a minute saved from a car accident. Some things cannot be controlled as things occur as they will, but other fates are wholly controllable.

What small thing are you doing or not doing today, that will eventually cause the levee to break bringing forth a destiny to which you quietly submitted and contributed everyday for the longest time?

...........

Although difficult, in the end, it will all seem worth it. Whether it was or not, after the investment, you won't allow yourself to think otherwise.

What difficulty or challenge are you not accepting today, that might all seem worth it tomorrow?

...........


If the end of the world was immeninet, I suppose that I'd like to spend it with you, provided we exclude family from our list of obligatory people to hang out with before the world blows up. We wouldn't even have to make out.

............

Truth is, I relish my small successes, partially as I feel a sense of accomplishment, but a small part of me, maybe a large part of me, really enjoys the revenge of living well and quietly proving myself to all those persons who doubted me, slighted me, or even in their own quiet manner seem to say that their way was better, that they had made better life choices.

In the late 90's, I failed out of engineering school. I hated it from the beginning. Soon thereafter, I transferred and I was set free. I studied art and mass communications and I excelled.

After I transferred, I was a food server at a quaint little Japanese restaurant. It was year 5 or 6 after highschool graduation, and I was still going to college, working and paying for college as I went.

I remember a most humbling experience. A couple of recently graduated and employed acquaintences from the engineering school showed up. I served them, they asked me what I was up to, with a that's nice kind of sentiment and tried to quiet their thoughts that seemed to scream, "awkward, we went into college at the same time, you are a failure!"

As I walked away, they talked excitedly about their 401Ks and other work related topics typically indicative of the new blood, the naively excited noobie to the realm of the white collar worker.

I suppose I look back on that experience now and think... IN YOUR FACE!

Some other people who are on the list on IN YOUR FACE:

jokes
jokes

Take the path less traveled by...

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Everyone has a filter for the information they let fly out their gates. Given enough trust and proding, most persons will let you know exactly how they feel. I hypothesize that everyone has a ton of stuff they wish they could unload. A significant other is nice for most things, but then significant others can be a source of angst... or I wonder, if a relationship was based on absolute truth, even the ugly stuff, if it would serve better for each party than to keep all of it unexpressed?

(I doubt it though, people usually don't like the Truth. They liked being lied to...)

(I even like lying to myself)

..........

Most relationships typically seek a symbiotic repriocity. If there isn't equality, it is certain that it will fail...

Unless one of them has a severe lack of self esteem... Are you that douchebag with no self eseteem or self respect?

Dump the Leech.

.............

I wake to a morning sun illuminating the blinded windows in a pale beige glow.

A cup of sweet milky coffee, a ceiling fan moving a nice breeze with its soft lulling song.

I turn on a pleasant, larthargic song by Elliot Smith, No Name #3.

Somewhat apropro that it has no name, just as I feel. I am alone, and it is quiet, no bodies are stirring outside, it is if I awoke in the wilderness in a light mist waiting for the burgeoning sun to wake all the creatures for another day.

.............

Given enough time, most people annoy me to the point of wanting not to know them, but when it comes to myself, I have to deal with it.

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Breaking free from the world of the mind is actually quite hard even though we live in the physical world all day long. Most of the life we live might just be the arbitrary world we just painted for ourselves, when in reality, it could have been a vast and wonderful expanse if only we would have just let ourselves open our eyes.

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Im going to live tomorrow. Maybe... Chuckle.