Change and Decisions: Re-entry into Society

Change and Decisions

Summary at the bottom if you dont want to read the drivel. All theory actualized through experience and self reflection.

I have not written a long blog about things in a while. It may be because I felt as if words were useless and ignored, as well as being 1800 miles away in Utah, I was far away enough from those that know me to feel safe to reveal my thoughts.

I left approximately a year ago from Tennessee on my road trip around the United States, that left me in a remote campsite/ranch in the middle of the Grand Escalante Staircase National Park for approximately 7 months.

It would be fairly accurate to say the endeavor of such a drastic change in lifestyle and location from friends and family, it took me to be angry at my situation, my friends, and in general life. Wether the anger and frustration was ill perceived, it was required catalyst for change.

It took the step back for me intermingled with new experiences to come upon a conclusion, that it was more my perception that made me ill of my situation. I recall that in the last months before my departure, there was a sense of great dissatisfaction, and I am certain that I was in a mild depression. I took to irresponsible and self destructive binge drinking and after a three years starting smoking again.

Although it was not totally caused by my ill perceptions, it was a major part of it.

I remember as a child, I would often find myself sleeping under the bed after having fallen asleep on top of the bed. Though I am not a psychologist, I would surmise it would have something to do wanting to be noticed.

Even as an young adult, I find or found, who knows, that I am somewhat vindictive or purposely withdraw myself from attention to see if the persons from whom I desire attention will notice. Although seemingly sometimes this manifests itself in more harsher action like withdrawing totally without the need for reconcile. Or worse, the general propensity to be schizoid/avoidant. If there is anything positive about this character flaw, I feel this nature greatly promotes my success as an artist, as it causes me continuously seek affirmation through creating art, and improving.

I think this tendency will never change. It is apparent to me that people do not change. Even though I may venture that if there is a significant, tramautic life experience, the situation may cause change, yet there are only a few experiences that is a catalyst for permanant change, especially change in genetic disposition and nuturing.

Long ago, in my late teens and early twenties, it came to me that I realized my nature in a small sense, and I had the profound realization that I would die a lonely old man if I were not to change my course, possibly myself.

It is in this thought that I have for some reason started to think about in my decision making.

After Utah, I came back to live with my parents til the end of the year so I could ramp up my freelance, but more importantly to pursue creating whatever art I desired.

Although seemingly a very pragmatic decision, I am certain it has more to do with my desire to avoid relationships in general aside from those that truly understand me. I have merely extended my re-entry into normal society thus supporting my self fulfilling propecy of living as a lonely man, just not in the future, but in the present.

I will always have a tendency towards avoidant/schizoid behavior. In knowing this, I can change the situation in which promote, in my opinion, an unhealthy lifestyle.

I have the chance to move in with an old friend in Nashville at the end of July. I have decided regardless if that situation is to change, I should move back to Nashville for my mental health.

The reason for this, is because, though I am unable to change my natural disposition, I may however change the circumstances in which it is promoted.

Habits can be changed. Personalities, unless through chemicals or severe or prolonged experiences, cannot.

So if habits may be changed, they may in turn through consistent erosion, may add new traits that counteract the previously undesirable personality trait.

So I will re-enter into normal society, obtain a roommate, and an added benefit, having significant bills will hopefully cause an increase in my freelance and business affairs. I will eventually need to jump into the deep end of being a designer/illustrator. This will be another step towards total dependence on my skillsets.

Summary: Change is not possible without a major catalyst. Cause change by dramatically changing the environment and available exposure to catalysts for change longterm. Though remnants of the variables that were prevalent previous to the change, there may be new variables that supersede the old forming a new identity.