Jun 22, 2007

I Killed My Rat Today & I Started Smoking Again & Quit

Euthanasia or Killing. Same thing. She seemed to be doing well, but I put her on her back today, and she couldn't even turn herself over. So I KILLED her.

I started smoking about a week and a half ago. Went to the doctor on day 4, got some generic Zyban. Haven't smoked for a day. It's amazing, the first day I had gotten a few cigarettes from coworkers, and then, from no smoking for about 3 years, I was up to a pack a day within two days. At least I'm on the pills now so it should be easier to stay away from them. Maybe.

Today I want to smoke and curse at my dead rat and tell her that I hate her for getting out of the cage, and coming back to die. For making me realize the fragility of life, the brevity. Though yes, she was just a rat, I am reminded, because what are humans but a larger bag of flesh and bone.

I saw a dead cat on the side of the road today. I saw it yesterday. And the day before.

Today it was an almost unrecognizable mish mash of fur and exposed viscera. I was surprised at the efficiency and quickness of how the earth and its unseen inhabitants had already started to swallow it up back into the ground. (Though, it was on concrete.)

Meh.

5 comments:

AJJE (kat for short) said...

Did you read about the dog I saw? I think I'm too sensitive to pet deaths, mine or others. Your post makes me so sad. And I hate to say that I told you so about the cigarettes. Just one. You can't even have one puff or you have to start all over. I can't be there to yell NO at your face when you stare into the eyes of temptation (or butt, whatever).

jimiyo said...

1. butt of temptation. 2 kudos! very clever.

2. i know it's horrible i started smoking. it's been culminating for the last year. it only occured when i was extrememly inebriated, i would just have one or two. i seriously dont know where the tipping point was, and why it occurred.

3. yes. i read your blog on the dog. totally depressing and gives me a icky feeling about the world.

4. you set your profile to private. i cant read or see your profile anymore as a non-Myspace viewer. so i cant read your blogs if you ever post any more. which kinda bums me out... "sniffle"

5. tell stephanie im sorry i couldnt make it out to see her

Anonymous said...

I know - I was enjoying your refrigerator magnet messages, but I had to for other reasons. I'll unprivatize next time I write one for a day so you can read it.

You see? You miss myspace. Just a little, don't you?

Anonymous said...

Erm... I miss YourSpace, but Myspace in general, totally high maintenance, and time consuming, and I dont miss it.

Hey, are you getting them?

rebekah said...

hello...
i'm sorry about miss rat
i killed my dog last summer
i haven't been able to get rid of her collar
i say that too that i killed her
people get uncomfortable

don't smoke!
my dad went through withdrawal for two weeks on a respirator after his triple bypass
ba dum bum

happy one week and good travels
i miss you on the myspace
your comments are all gone
boo