Sep 8, 2008

The Devil Inside Me

Click link, skip to 39:00, listen to 45:40. (The whole thing is great though...)

ThisLife.Org - The Devil Inside Me

What does the voice in your head tell you?


No one will love you if aren't talented, and no woman will want you long term, if you do not have a decent income, and talent.


All is vanity. There is no meaning.

Also... stop writing. :P


The thoughts though don't make me as dire as I could be, since, if that is the case, I can change the situation by pursuing talent and income, and creating an artificial meaning, though futile it may be, as even false perceptions, can be as true as reality.

For real... post anonymously if you want. I want to know your demons.


Anonymous said...

My demon says to me -

You're stupid, you're worthless, you're not fit to be in a relationship, you're broken, you can't be fixed, you're never going to be good at what you do, you're always going to be someone's burden, you're a pig, you're dirty, you're disgusting, etc. The rest is just variations on that, I guess. I could go into why it's all true, but wouldn't want to bore you. :p

Andrea said...

My inner demon says -

"you will never be as smart as you want to be, you will never succeed at anything important."

to which my inner child replies -
(fingers in ears) "lalalalala I'm not listening to you."

now if only I knew how to listen to my inner child more. :P

Anonymous said...

My demon:

Keep dreaming the dream and living the reality that pales in comparison. Though mediocre in talent, it cannot amount to more than what you are.

9-5 is all that can be attained. Freelancing requires a passion that died out years ago... STAY THE COURSE. Blah is all that you deserve.

You have a child now... no room for taking chances. No chance at greatness.

jimiyo said...

anonymous 1: I dont think it would bore me... :)

andrea: shooooo, woman. from what little i can glean from my knowledge of you, you are quite intelligent, and i can also say that you are already quite successful at being very important, momma... :)

unless you are another andrea...

anonymous 2: Having and raising a child is an awesome chance at being great. Actually it's almost like you have to be great.

Deal with that!!! You better not be a douchebag dad or mom! i kid i kid.

Andrea said...

Sure I'm smart, but am I smart enough? I have things I want to accomplish and create and invent, but am I doing those? No, I'm wasting my time in a job I hate just to pay the bills (and I have a lot of bills, grad school and kid aren't cheap). You have no idea how much I envy your ability to say "I want to live my life this way" and THEN YOU GO DO IT AND SUCCEED. Frickin amazing. Most people never get beyond the 'I want' stage. :)

Anonymous said...

Then I guess I get to test your willpower! Oof. Yay for anonymous postings.

I'm stupid - always have been. People always look at me, quiet, wearing glasses, always reading a book and they get these expectations that I'm a smart person...but it's a lie. I have trouble with basic things, especially numbers. I can't do simple math in my head like literally anybody else can. I don't understand what's going on around me unless someone tells me explicitly. I don't realize things like I should.

I'm worthless and broken...I can't hold a traditional job, let alone take care of myself from day to day. I tire out so easily on my feet. People misunderstand what I'm saying because I mess up and forget to move my face properly...for some reason it's really hard for the average person to tell when I'm smiling, but I /know/ I'm smiling. My speech is awkward and broken in front of all but one or two people I'm accustomed to - I can't get the sentences in my brain out intact when I get nervous. I get nervous around people. I stutter occasionally. My memory just doesn't hold up to anyone elses...I can't hear very well with background noise. It's as though I'm built specifically to be incompatible with the most basic of jobs. Stupid things induce panic, little things, and even if I try to ignore it my heart starts beating faster and tears come to my eyes. I get angry at myself because I don't want it to happen, but nothing can force it down. I would give anything to be a normal person, a functioning person...I am so useless.

College was overwhelming...I did better than my fellow art students. They looked to me to be perfect, to always do something amazing. I couldn't stand when they would come up to my easel expectantly, then watch their face fall when I wasn't doing something perfectly or had gone off into random, imperfect experimentation. I can't fit into the role of anyone's friend...the thought of parties makes me so anxious. I am the person you ignore when someone more interesting comes by, I am the person who sits alone in the corner or wanders around aimlessly. Art openings were terrible...sometimes my drawing teacher would take pity on me and try to make conversation despite my disjointed thoughts and poor speech. I eventually dropped out of college when every morning was a fight to face the day, paralyzing dread and anxiety. I have no real skills...I can illustrate but it comes out a watered down, flat and stiff version of people who are actually good at what they do. And I can't produce work fast enough, I can't concentrate or always have the energy to do so. Last year I worked my ass off doing freelance commissions through December...made $400 @ 10/hr. That's absoulutely nothing. I'm terrible at interacting with people, it's hard for me to send e-mails to potential clients in the first place. I will always be a burden to someone.

I am terrible with relationships. I don't 'get' social cues. It's hard for me to keep up with how I'm suppose to act without coming off as distant or uncaring. People can't read my face well and I don't understand why. I feel awkward and out of place whenever something new at all happens, leading to more impressions of distant and uncaring. I have a hidden, explosive temper that comes about when with people I care about. I am useless, I can barely keep up with taking care of myself and often don't. I wake up tired, I get dizzy easily, messes build up. Every issue is a mountain to climb even if it shouldn't be.

I tried getting help. College came with a health clinic. Everytime things look better, and I feel like everything is going to be okay, it just crashes down.

I guess that's the basics.

Andrea said...

Oh honey. Go look up Asperger's Syndrome. You are not stupid. There are many types of intelligence and social is only one. College health clinics are usually only fit for dispensing asprin and bandaids, Im not surprised you didn't get help there. If you have health insurance, see if you have access to a professional who deals with Asperger's/Autism, ADHD and Anxiety. As someone with 3 close family members on the autism scale, you very much sound like an Aspy. Believe me, it's not a death sentence. If you are, there are tons of resources out there to help you. Good luck!

jimiyo said...

anonymous 2: I read all your stuff.

I can understand some of the feelings you have had, although it may not be crippling to me as you have experienced.

Just like anyone else's inner demon, I feel they have a tendency to play on our worst fears, and in general, the way they present our own image or actions, is usually exaggerated.

You are certainly aware of yourself, of your feelings, and your actions/interactions, which means that you can see what you view as the problem. I find the people who cannot enact change are ones who can't even do that.

BUT if you are aware, you have to know some of the feelings you have expressed are somewhat untrue. Despite they may be your inner demons talking, the "I am"s aren't healthy. If you feel the "I am"s are true, I would probably think the self evaluation is a little skewed from reality.

I empathize somewhat. I too often judge myself with a harsh measure, I have been socially awkward, I have had difficulty articulating thoughts verbally and am sometimes difficult to understand, suffer from anxiety in certain social situations, etc etc, and all those things have over that past years have improved, because I know they were something I noticed about myself and therefore could try to change or control.

You obviously arent stupid, you can communicate, type, are aware of yourself, being able to freelance even for $10/hr is still better than nothing. Being that you are aware of yourself, I can you can enact change, if you want to...

It does sound like you do exhibit some sort of mental predisposition towards anxiety or at least something that may prohibit your smooth interaction with society, as well as the physical ability at times.

I don't have a degree or any experience except self diagnosis which is usually flawed but yeah, I think Andrea's right. I cant saw if the diag is right cause I dont know, but everyone has something thats crazy about them, I realized that long ago. It might help to solicit the help of a trained professional to help you through your anxieties and issues. Although I never got on medication myself, I do believe the brain is just a machine run with chemicals and sometimes our brains were cooked with the wrong ingredients compared to everyone else. If you decide that altering that with the help of medication, you may be able to function better. Or you can choose to figure it out and function as yourself with your personal characteristics.

Whether it may be some personality quirk, everyone's got something broken about themselves, and if you are riding around on a broken wheel, riding on three, you just gotta figure out how to ride on three wheels like Dr Dre and Snoop did.

blah balh blah. dizang. too long.