Jul 11, 2007

Day 5: Flagstaff AND PICTURES!

(Off to Sedona, and the Grand Canyon today, once my hangover goes away... ;)

I arrived at Flagstaff yesterday early evening.

Flagstaff is the most beautiful city I've been to thus far. It's surrounded by tall pines, and mountains, and the city itself is very colorfu and young.

Around every corner are very ecletic shops, and the people here are mostly young and beautiful as well. I think there must be a college nearby. I have the feeling that most of the people here are Granolas... semi-hippie backpacking artsy fartsies. I should learn to hike...

The hostel itself is full of a diverse group of travelers. I met up with Anthony, the Canuk who teaches ethics and religion (very nice guy) whom I met at the Dallas hostel. He is allowing me to use his laptop so I finally can upload some pictures.

Saguaro National Park

On my way, I visited Saguaro NP. It's a mountainous area covered with tall, large cacti. It was a good exersion. For bicyclers, Arizona seems to be a great place to be. There were trails within the park, and in Flagstaff, it seems to be a typial mode of transportaion.

I'll post more pictures when I have time as I have many, but here's a cactus dwarfing my tiny compact.

An Evening with Three

The first night at Flagstaff was spent drinking beer, and smoking cigarettes with three sisters. They were older, regardless I enjoyed talking with them quite a bit. They were all about 40-55 years of age with children, and apparently all have had several failed marriages.

It was interesting, having never married, I posed the question of how a marriage that may last as long as 17 years could go wrong.

The answer. If a woman leaves a man, it takes a considerable amount of time to get there. After many years of attempting to accept the nuances, the shortcomings, they build up over time, and there comes a tipping point. Although it may be wrong to keep count, or not accept your spouse for who they truly are, apparently the woman will give chances for things to be repaired. Though this short summary of the situation is too brief to really uncover deeper issues, it seems that this is the way it is in most relationships, even friends, colleagues, etc. You only put up with that asshole friend for so long until you evaluate the worth of that friendship vs the bruises you recieve from it.

It seems though, the women did mke some bad choices with the men though, as the dscription of their former husbands, although "they are nice great guy everyone loves them", they all had some major flaw that was overlooked before the marriage, whether it be alcoholisms, mental issues, etc.

In the beginning, they held dear a hope that things would get better, a hope that over time, the man would mature.

This situation goes both way, but it does seem women are more pragmatic in their relationships despite the fact that in the beginning they may not be so judgemental especially if the relationship is to be an important life long one, or at least long one.

Although I am usually the one who is dumped, looking back, the women who have left me, would have eventually been on the receiving end, as I feel that I am severely judgemental and pragmatic. Is it odd that I felt I could empathize with these womens viewpoint, and feelings? There was a part of me though, that kept thinking, well, after a few divorces, you may rationalize that it was the other person's fault, you have to look within to see what part you played in the drama...

It seems though we are all attracted to an archetype. Personally, at least of recently, I have been attracted to unavailable women. Married? Great! Emotionally unavailable? Great! Penchant for drink more than anything else? Great!

I predicate that this is for a very specific reasons. I innately know nothing will ever come from it, so it protects me from future obligation, or commitment, as well as any pains that may come from being vulnerable in a relationship. I can be safe, I can focus on my art, etc etc.

It is a lonely place to keep yourself from being vulnerable, and the pursuit of such futile relationships is truly idioctic. Although some of those I have pursued have actually become decent friends. I hope knowing my tendencies, I will not continue to seek such relationships. I should have no more fear, and commitment or obligation is not necessarily what will happen if I were to allow myself to seek a less fundanmentally flawed relationship. Although really, Im not looking. Truthfully though, I do miss intimacy, emotional and sexual.

I thoguht that maybe I was going on this trip to find a little bit more about myself, and absolve any issues I may have had about turning 30. It has not been so. All things I have gotten insight about on myself I already knew, and turning 30 has nothing to do with the tumultuous pendulum of mood I have been experiencing lately.

If anything, I have found that I looked back at my 30 years, and I feel pretty good about them. I feel pretty good about the future, but then I noticed, that through those years, I have collected alot of emotional baggage. Things that keep me from enjoying life to the fullest as they cause fear and insecurity. It seems foolish to me once I looked at how I am, things I am afraid of, and the way they have made me who I am, and how silly it has been for me to be carrying around the burden I have almost even cherished.

I hope knowing those things, I can let them go or learn how not to let it affect me or my relationships with others.

Most of the night, I listened to the women. They laughed alot, they jabbed at each other, but it was nice. I wished I was the fourth sister.

One had recently become a Buddhist. I have no tendency for any religion, but I do value what I think is the buddhist philosphy. Desire is what causes pain, and to rid desire helps to make one free.

A collary in Christianity, that you are slaves to your sins, and to be truly free, you must absolve yourself of them.... through Jesus of course.

I digress...

Some more pictures.

Fort Worth, I got some actino from four ladies. Free hugs! ;)


Ty said...

Enjoy Sedona and the GC! I know both will be amazing!

I'm still digesting your thoughts on relationships, self traits, etc.

As always, thanks for sharing. :)

Anonymous said...

Hey, I have been lurking on your blog for months but have to ask about that mural you took a photo of. Is the whole thing part of the painting including the garage looking part at top ? Did it have an artists name? Safe travels!

AJJE (kat for short) said...

Amazing. I feel you on the unavailable thing.. couldn't have said it better myself. I believe I'm making progress though, since I've gone from attracting the married/live in girlfriend guys to fresh out of a relationship guys. A step in the right direction. Emotional availability, here I come! (I speak of myself, of course).