It's been a week or two since I've been back in the city, and it almost feels like I was never in the desert.
I do miss the open night sky. Stepping out of the monkey hut, the tiny living quarters tucked away out of site, a cave almost, I would be under the night sky, a billion stars shining, the moon so bright it cast shadows on the ground. The sight went as far as my eye could see. In the city, houses and trees obstruct my view.
On those rare occasions I was left totally alone, I felt extremely content and alive. There were times I would step out, and it seemed as if the desert were speaking quietly to me.
There was something about the desert that seemed to open your vision about this life.
In the desert, life struggled, scratched and clawed to survive. Those that succeeded did so bountifully, only to disappear in the winter. Sand storms, the wind, the beating sun, and the relentless cold, were all extreme.
In such an environment, it was clear to see the cycle of life, as in a moment, a fallen insect or bird, that held fast to this world, would be swallowed by the sand, blown, eroded from existence. River banks crumbled constantly, landscapes constantly shifted. Tumbleweeds, leaves, and twigs tumbled into view, and like my memory of having been there, they quickly disappeared.
It wasn't a rarity on my short walks around the vast and seemingly endless land, to see the skeletal remains of an animal that once meandered the barren land.
This all agreed with my perception of life. I hold dear a keen perception of this life being fragile and brief, though seemingly a melancholic view, it gives me a sense of urgency, a desire to drink from it all I can.
Also with its quiet message, the desert, and things bigger than I, like time, all seem to speak with my core personal conflicts.
I was raised a Christian, but I cannot hold without a sense of hypocrisy claim it. I hold most the doctrines in Bible as good and Truth, so there is a great divide in the contradictory feelings of having once believed such passages as "All is vanity except the knowledge of Jesus Christ" and my firm standings with my own agnostic tendencies.
It may be just as well that I left the desert as if I allowed myself to stay, my schizoid/avoidant tendencies coupled with a deeper feelings that all things indeed are in vanity, that I might have just as well let the desert swallow me into a secluded and antisocial life. At least then, the harsh environment of the desert, the chore of living in the desert would have given me some solace and purpose as the struggle to adapt to a larger entity, the weather and time, would have encompassed my time and given me an automatic drive.
In the city, busy with work, busy with material things, time is not so evident. Life passes away without notice.
I suppose I've transfered my purpose or goal to Freelancing. Going about my way, trying to figure out how to become financially self sufficient, gives me a purpose... in this somewhat vain life.
......
New years resolution for freelance was to make $24,000 minimum. I finally got around to doing some administrative work and I have accomplished 62% of that goal. I don't know if the last three quarters of the year will fair as profitable, but I think Im on the right track.
I've been able to increase my wage significantly with my clients, so I no longer deal with time consuming, yet not so profitable gigs.
I feel like, that I will live with my parents, if allowed for the remainder of the year, unless I began to feel anxious. Being a 31 year old MAN, it is somewhat silly to be living with parents, but not really. I feel its quite pragmatic. I can use the money I would save on living expenses to purchase business related equipment, build clients and streams of passive income. I think I might even start back up some Jimiyo tees, now that I am more experienced with the whole process.
We'll see...
.....
When I drive at night, I get pangs of wanderlust. I do long to be lost on the road with no where to go. I like the idea of disappearing, even if its just for a little while.
I've started to become somewhat of an insomniac. Busy with work, busy with organzing things that dont necessarily need to be organized, I feel like I dont have enough time to do all that I want.
So I am glad to be with my parents. I think by the years end, I will be well on my way to making more than just the initial goal of 24K income, but if I was really on fire 45-60K doesnt seem out of my grasp as long as I build clients and provide a profitable service.
It's amazing when you give up everything, and you go for it, how easily fate starts to bend in your favor.
I also have other plans, although I dont feel they are as easy to accomplish as building my own freelance career, is to 'settle down'.
I figure, although most likely too analytical in thought, that once I have substantiated to myself that I can survive on my own financially through freelance, I would like to find a little lady, a little house, and a couple cats.
I know some of you might be thinking, well, you cant control that. Love will happen when it happens.
You can say that, but knowing myself, I know I wont allow it. If love or the thought of love could impede on my immediate goals, I would have moved to Canada to be with Judy, the woman I dated for about 6 months while I was at the ranch. She was a wonderful and beautiful woman.
But I had not earned in my eye, worthiness to allow it.
For the time being, Ill just live out my romantic life in my own mind like a romance novel. I already even have a storyline, I go back to Utah, go see that cute girl at the gas station with whom I caught eyes with, and had an unspoken mutual attraction with, and we live out our days in the desert making babies, freelancing, building our home, cutting steel, putting up sheet rock, watchin the kitties catch birds and moths.
;j
